Sound of Surrender
Hello anxiety my old friend
You have come to be with me again
In the silence you come softly creeping
Onto me oh so deeply
And the visions seem to echo in my brain
They still remain
It is the sound of surrender
* Inspired by The Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel
My body is consumed by so many drugs, it is hard to tell which side effect is attached to which. Now that I have been through a few rounds of treatment, I am starting to notice it more. The drugs seem to counteract one another: one will help me sleep, the other will give me energy, one will help me with nausea and the other will make me hungry. It is a back and forth tennis match happening inside my body. Then there are drugs that are just killing cells left and right. This is all happening while I try to move through my day like a normal person.
So how can you remain sane when so much is happening to your body? Where do you find the middle ground? I don’t have an answer to these questions.
Perhaps I was naive in the beginning? Or perhaps it was my psyche only giving me what I could handle.
I read somewhere that some of us are destined for more challenges in our lives. It was the life path we chose. Choice or not, it can be hard to see the perspective in it all.
I didn’t become aware that I was prone to anxiety until I became an adult. I grew up with chaos around me and can function under high levels of stress. In fact, I didn’t even recognize the situations to be stressful because it was my norm. So subconsciously I recreated many of those situations when I became an adult through various life situations.
When I started to become aware of my patterns, I made shifts and moves that disrupted this dynamic. Also disrupted those life situations and relationships around me. A necessary shift. So when I finally get to a place of making peace, I get cancer. Life sure is funny. Where my external world has calmed, my internal world is going bat shit crazy.
It now makes sense to me why the coping strategies I have developed over the years to help with anxiety haven’t been working. They were dealing with external situations that trigger internal discomfort. Cancer is the exact opposite. A full on bazooka fight creating discomfort inside my body that now affects me externally. Ain’t that a bitch.
With the external situations, I could often predict how I would react or how it would feel in my body. With cancer, so many movements and shifts are happening at one time. I cannot predict how my body will react.
So as I pontificate my life at this point, I am giving myself a break. A break that it is okay for me to not be able to handle all that is happening. To recognize my regular coping strategies may not work. That drugs can be of service and are often in control now. And whatever side effect happens I cannot control it.
This chaos is beyond my control. It is also beyond my understanding. For now, at least. So the very best thing I can do is surrender. And allow the anxiety to have its place, welcoming it like an old friend.
