The Unknown

This week begins 6 months of chemo treatments. There is a schedule in place for my treatment that calls for many drugs pumping through my body. I was given an orientation about them and their side effects, but I haven’t allowed myself to investigate any further.  It would be too much. It is scary to think about and to try to figure out what may happen to me. I know I am going to have to surrender my body to it all but I can’t help but wonder how did I get here?

I am healthy and vibrant and young. I have had limited health issues in my lifetime, and now I am scheduling MRI’s and CAT scans. My weekly schedule is filled with doctor’s appointments when it used to be yoga classes. This isn’t a pity party. I just can't wrap my brain around it all.

Then I ponder, perhaps that is a good thing. There are a lot of things coming at me, a lot of change happening around and within me. I probably wouldn’t be able to get out of bed if I tried to process it all at once. This ‘gift’ of the unknown.

But the unknown is so unsettling. Especially when it comes to putting my trust in others to care for me. The idea of submitting to the process and giving up the need to control it. Because frankly, what is happening inside my body, happened without my control. I thought I was leading a lifestyle that would prevent something like this from happening, and BOOM - nope!

I find myself going back to the concept of control. Because truly, what control do I have? I couldn’t have planned for this - not in a million years. I also couldn’t have controlled this either.

Most things in life are outside of your control, it is how you react to them, rings through my ears. Well fuck that! I know I have reiterated this sentiment before. When it happens to you, it holds a stronger pull on your intellect. 

I do know I am fully allowed to have my feelings and reactions. A good friend kindly reminded me of this recently. It is okay to scream “FUCK!” at the top of my lungs! And “WHY? WHY ME?” I know I won’t get an answer to the question, not now at least, but I can ask it.  And I can feel it.  

I am scared. I am scared of what is going to happen to me. I am scared of the unknown.