The In-between

It's a common question in our culture to ask what is next. Especially when you move through a big life event. Part of my overachieving and people pleasing make-up a feeling of anxiety sits.

Cancer was this beautiful teacher of surrender. Letting go and trusting in the flow of life. I was in awe as I watched how things unfolded as they were meant to. Those unexpected serendipitous moments, God winks, my mom and I called them. 

This feeling of fear is now stepping in since the cancer is gone. I am trying to understand why it is so prominently here.  

When you have cancer, you are placed on this pedestal. Help is rushed in and feels an extra layer is holding you up. Giving you the unspoken permission to completely submit and surrender to the care coming your way. 

Now I wonder how I will move through life without that extra layer. It was uplifting in so many ways. I don't feel completely done with my recovery or even back to ‘normal’. Whatever normal is.

I have heard this time of in between and unknown is common for people who went through cancer. I can compare it to when you are preparing for a big event in your life. All the work that goes into the success of this event, the struggle, the fear, the tears, and then you reach the goal of completion, and it’s a success. The event consumed so much of your energy and time. When the hoopla and attention are over, you feel lost or maybe left behind. 

Perhaps this is what you call transition. Honestly, it's not always a comfortable place to be. I find as my mind is letting go of the conditioning to try to figure out what is next for me, my body wants to hold on. I can compare it to when you are running in a dream: your legs are moving but you aren’t going anywhere.

I think back to when I had cancer and what I did when things felt unknown and uncomfortable; and that was nothing. I allowed it to be where it was and didn’t try to change it. I gave myself the space to feel whatever came along with it, when I did that, it lessened. Becoming more open to what I needed and more open to the serendipitous moments. 

My body doesn’t seem to trust this concept right now and luckily, I have some wonderful drugs to help if the anxiety becomes too much. I give myself full permission to take as needed. This living of life can be hard and at times a little help from your friends is necessary. For the foreseeable future, this is where I will be - the in between.